Being Enough

This week’s post is by my wonderful friend Alysia Humphries.

I want to thank her for sharing her talents and this insightful article, check out her blog below.

Being ‘Enough’
By Alysia Humphries
Recently, I was reading King Benjamin’s address in Mosiah chapter 3 and 4, and thinking about the struggles many mothers in the church have with feeling like they’ll never measure up. We know the gospel should make us joyful, so we put on smiling faces, but inside many of us are hurting. I am certain the hurt isn’t caused by the gospel, but by focusing on certain aspects in an out of balance way that leaves no room for mercy towards ourselves. Nearly every mom I know has struggled with this – we want so badly to do everything right, for God, for our children, for ourselves. We know that faith without works is dead. But we are so focused on the works part that faith tends to only get lip service. And that is what’s hurting us.
In Mosiah 3:19, it talks about the natural man, and I think most of us understand the first half of the verse pretty well:
“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy fSpirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint..” Generally, we moms are very aware of our imperfections, our natural tendencies to mess up and lose our tempers and the great need we have to change. But we tend to gloss over the next part that is most important:
“… through the atonement of Christ the Lord…” It DOESN’T say, through your own blood, sweat, and tears, hard work, self flogging, to-do lists, self improvement, guilt trips, and determination! What?! But faith without works is dead! Yes, and works without faith in the atonement is dead, too.
Now, most moms I know in the church do have testimonies and a deep love for our Savior. It’s not that we don’t believe in and appreciate His great atonement. But there is a disconnect – we honor and worship and thank Him, but we really don’t want to have to accept the gift he suffered to give us. We are trying to do it ourselves and saying, ‘no thank you, I’m good, please don’t trouble yourself. I want to prove I’m worthy before I take you up on that.’ We want to feel self reliant, strong, capable, and good.
I don’t believe this is generally because moms are prideful. Sometimes we are, but most of the time we are just scared. Many of us struggle with deep insecurity, especially when it comes to raising our kids. We feel great uncertainty about our choices from moment to moment, wondering if we are doing things right. Should I follow this parenting advice or that parenting advice? Am I messing up my kid? Why can’t I get my house as clean as sister so and so? Should I play with the baby or do the dishes? Do cute handouts for my relief society lesson or take a nap so I can function? How can I do everything everyone wants me to do? Will I ever be enough???
The fact is, we aren’t enough on our own. None of us is, not even Sister so and so. Not in the way we are thinking ‘enough’ should be, anyway. If we read on in Mosiah chapter 4, it talks about our universal nothingness, our worthless and fallen state. But wait, aren’t we daughters of God, full of infinite worth? Yes. But our worth doesn’t come from our doings. It comes from the power of God working in us. Just like we adore our innocent babies who can’t do much for themselves, we are absolutely precious to God and worth His love and adoration. Our need for him makes him draw even closer in love to us. When we cry out in our great need, then we are filled with his love.
5 “For behold, if the knowledge of the goodness of God at this time has awakened you to a sense of your anothingness, and your worthless and fallen state—
6 I say unto you, if ye have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men; and also, the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life, I mean the life of the mortal body—
7 I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the afall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world.
8 And this is the means whereby salvation cometh. And there is anone other salvation save this which hath been spoken of; neither are there any conditions whereby man can be saved except the conditions which I have told you.”
We can’t do it without Him and we aren’t supposed to be able to. We should ‘be diligent to obey’, yes, and give our best, but the Trust in the Lord part gets forgotten often, as we look around in anxiety over the many things we try but fail to do each day. Trust in the Lord and the atonement is the only way we can succeed. Having personal experience with the Lord’s love and forgiveness, coming to a knowledge of his goodness and love for us, his atonement for US and not just everyone else, and accepting and trusting in that love and power, is key.
Mosiah 4:11: “And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel.
12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.”
(emphasis added)
Do we believe and have faith in the promises, that he will forgive us when we repent, even if it is over and over (daily is what the scripture suggests)? Do we accept the love of God that is offered to us, and internalize it and let ourselves rejoice even though we still aren’t perfect or enough without the Savior? I know there have been times in my life when I have refused the gift and refused to believe that He could love me until I proved myself worthy. I went through the motions of repentance but continued holding on the guilt, not letting it be taken from me until I felt I had changed sufficiently (become perfect). I needed His love to heal and change me, but I wasn’t allowing it because I didn’t feel worthy yet. My steps were out of order.
A wise mentor once pointed out to me that the next few verses in this chapter are the promises, not the requirements. If you look at the succession, first in verse 11 we call on the Lord for mercy in our need, we have faith in his promises, then in verse 12 we are filled with His love and forgiveness, and THEN, as a result of being filled with His love and trusting in His atonement, we become people who don’t have a mind to injure each other, who take good care of our children and teach them to walk in ways of truth and soberness, who succor those in need, and are all the things we want to be. Not because we are perfect, but because of His power. Not because we don’t stumble still, but because we reach for his hand each time we fall down and let him lift us up instead of trying to hobble around by ourselves with our broken, weak limbs.
Reaching for Him and letting his Love in comes first. Believing in His love takes away that deep fear and insecurity that causes us to ride ourselves and beat ourselves up in a futile attempt to prove ourselves. No success I have ever had has made me feel as worthy, and accepted, and glorious as when I have knelt before the Lord in prayer and felt his amazing love and grace for me. Nothing has done more to change me, and nothing has brought me more joy. Nothing can transform our mothering and our happiness more than giving up the race for perfection and instead racing to the feet of the Savior for all our support and validation. He will fill every void and calm every fear and make us, through Him, the powerful, joyful, good mothers and women we are seeking to be. He will show us the beauty already inside us and shine through us to transform weak things into strong. And then, through at-One-ment with Him, we will finally be enough.

Alysia Humphries is wife and mother of 6 great kids ranging from toddlers to teens. She is the founder/creator of Moms Empowered, a movement to support and encourage mothers in nurturing and developing themselves, and creating more purposeful, powerful, and joyful lives. See her blog at:
www.empoweringmothers.wordpress.com

Walking On Water

Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints makes having wayward children so much easier. When we understand the sealing powers of the temple we find comfort and understanding in the knowledge that as we keep our covenants, no matter where are children stray, they are bound to us. Yet, even with this knowledge, some days being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints makes having wayward children so difficult.

First, I have to say, it isn’t the gospel at all that causes this feeling for me, it is my own perception and those thoughts again of needing to be “The Perfect Mormon Mommy”. Yes, even with as far as I have come along my journey and as much as I have learned I still have those moments and, like yesterday, those days, when I feel so alone in my trials.
We have an incredible ward, so you can imagine what a wonderful fast and testimony meeting we had yesterday. There are a lot of people in our ward who have experienced the pain of a wayward child, but most of them have weathered the storm and come out on the other side. Most of the youth in our ward have incredible testimonies and are such shining lights, I know because I spent almost 3 years as the 15 year old Sunday school teacher and have had the privilege of teaching a good portion of them. Yesterday should have been a wonderful experience in Sacrament meeting, like it is every other week, but yesterday I was having one of those “pit” days. Instead of being grateful for my temple covenants and the fact that my children are bound to me through the sealing power of the temple, I watched person after person get up and say how grateful they are for their amazing children and I watched amazing youth after amazing youth, bear testimony of the power of the gospel in their lives and how much they love the scriptures and seminary and their parents and…..(you get the idea), and I started running those painful why questions in my mind. “Why am I the only one with children who have walked away from everything they were taught growing up?”, “Why do I have to feel so much pain?”, “Why can’t my children be like that?”, “Why do I have to go through this?”, it seemed as if each person that came to the podium just stabbed the knife deeper in my heart, I was having quite the pity party. Luckily most of the time when I have these feelings it only lasts for a few minutes or sometimes a few hours instead of taking over my life and all my thoughts like it used to, but yesterday was one of those unusual times for me when it lasted for most of the day.

It brought to my mind the story in Matthew 14 of Peter walking on the water to Christ, I feel much like Peter, I’m willing to jump out of the boat and start towards Christ. I know that I have the faith to walk on water and that with Christ all things are possible, but yesterday I thought of this story in terms of my wayward children. Most of the time I am able to let go of the need to do something to “fix” them or “make them see” what they are giving up, and I know they are Heavenly Father’s children and He is walking beside them every step, so, in that way I feel that I have stepped out of the boat and I am focusing on Christ and walking toward Him. Still as a parent, I love my children and so I have those times when I start to think about what they are doing and the choices they are making I start focusing on what I can do, in essence I look down at the water and notice how the waves are crashing about me and how dangerous everything looks and I forget to stay focused on Christ. It is my perception of the water that distracts me and causes my fear. If I truly understood that with Christ all things are possible I would never give a moment’s thought to what the water looks like. Yesterday I was particularly fasting and praying for my 17 year old son but I looked at all the other youth and started to lose focus. I started to look at his life and the choices he is making right now and doubt that there is a way for him to change, my perception of the “water” was that he is in so deep and yet doesn’t want out, and that he has all the help in the world right in front of him and he is turning his back on it, that is when I start sinking and feel hopeless and helpless. I want so much to see the end and know that eventually it will all be OK but in that moment all I could see was the water and the waves crashing about. Luckily I was able to pull my focus back. I hear all the time in my mind Heavenly Father saying “You can do hard things” and I know how much I will grow from it but there is that part of me what looks back at Him and says, “That’s OK, I can stay small, small is good.” Then what does He do? He takes me by the hand and says “Come on, let’s go, we can do it together”. In that moment I feel my strength coming back, I can do this.

No matter what the “water” around us looks like, focusing on Christ and knowing that with Him all things are possible and remembering that Heavenly Father is in charge, not me, gives me the ability to move forward. Yes, being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints does make having wayward children so much easier.

Stop Splashing On My Shoes

Parenting Books Never Worked For Me

**I have been trying to figure out how to keep this blog from turning into an advice column (I am definitely not qualified to give out advice) and stay focused on the root causes, so I am still trying to sort it out (the not handing out advice part).**

I shouldn’t say parenting books never worked for me, they did to a certain degree and for a period of time.
I had someone the other day say they would love to learn how to discipline their children without force. There are so many great books out there that teach different methods of discipline, self government, how to understand your child. I read all the books when my older kids were young and I would get really pumped up and think, “Yes! This is going to be just the thing to change the way I parent!” What ended up happening is a couple of different things or a combo of them.
First, I would start to implement things and the first thing I ran into was resistance. My kids would see right through my tactics and the little buggers wouldn’t cooperate! I would try just what the book said but end up forcing them, thus began again the control battle. The second thing that would happen is that I would be so nice, trying to talk the way the book said, have charts (and then get frustrated because they didn’t care much about filling them in after the first week) and say things like, “Now sweetheart, you know we don’t talk to each other that way”, or “I realize you don’t want to empty the dishwasher but I expect it done anyway” (yeah right, now what do you do when they still don’t do it?). The whole time stuffing down my feelings of anger because they wouldn’t cooperate and things weren’t turning out the way the book said they would and I didn’t know what to do about it. Finally after doing a week or two of stuffing down my emotions I would explode and say things like, “Just do it because I said so!” or, “You’re grounded!” or, “Sit in time out and think about it for awhile” or the ultimate, “One, two, three…!”. Yes, the books advise taking away privileges but my kids didn’t care about TV or friend time, if I took away their snacks they would just sneak into them anyway, and it was before computers were common in the home so I couldn’t threaten to take that. Well, needless to say we never made much headway and with my younger kids I didn’t even bother to read the books because I knew what would happen. I did eventually come across a program that I think is really wonderful. Her name is Nicholeen Peck and this is her site if you want to check it out: www.teachingselfgovernment.com

Even though I love what she teaches and I feel it is a much better way, what I want to point out is that all parenting help (books, programs, etc.) focus on changing the child, “fixing the kid” and everything will work out.
That was my problem, I was always looking for a way to change my child’s behavior, never looking at why they were doing it in the first place or why it pushed my buttons so much. My motto was “Home could be a heaven on earth if you would all just shut up and do what I say!” What was causing me so much anger and frustration when I couldn’t get them to do what I wanted them to do?

What I found out is that raising children exposed all the insecurities inside me. There was the fear of looking imperfect as a mom or fear of failing as a mom, thinking that if I didn’t immediately stop the behavior I didn’t want, that it would mean they would never learn a better way. I also needed everyone to conform to this little “box” I had built for us and I worried about judgement from other people if my children didn’t appear perfect.
Learning effective parenting skills was important but only part of the equation. What I finally found is when I focused on my own self discovery and self mastery and finding out what was really the root cause behind my anger, now magically my children began to change before my eyes. Oh, they still have messy rooms and take their own sweet time to get things done and yes sometimes they yell, OK scream, at each other. The great thing is now it doesn’t push my buttons, most of the time , and if it does, I get to examine that. They are actually very respectful to Rex and me and to each other and when they aren’t, we work through it pretty easily. I am definitely not the best parent on the planet and my children are far from ideal but seeing that the only person I can change is myself has been the only thing that has brought lasting change and peace.

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Is It Wrong To Praise Your Child?

I raised my older kids in the late 80s and the 90s. Back then everything was about self-esteem, helping your child feel good about themselves. I was lead to believe that they would grow up happy if I just built up their self confidence. I would tell them all the time how wonderful they were, how cute and smart and what a good boy or girl they were. Well, it definitely didn’t foster self confidence, if anything it contributed to a lack of self confidence.
Why? Is it wrong to praise kids and tell them how wonderful they are?
This is what I have come to learn, there is a big difference between self-esteem and self-worth.
Self-esteem comes from outside of ourselves, it comes from others telling us how wonderful we are or how smart or beautiful. Building self-esteem builds a child’s ego, it “pets” their ego and when that “petting” isn’t there they feel worth-less. Self-esteem may go up or down depending upon what is happening. Get an “A” on a test and you feel great, but if you fail you feel terrible. It’s this force outside themselves that says you’re OK as long as you continue to be good, beautiful, smart etc. Self-esteem is changeable, self esteem comes from outside of a person and can be taken away in an instant.
Self worth on the other hand is understanding and valuing the divine qualities we are born with. Self worth, divine worth or infinite worth is the ability and willingness to recognize Christ-like traits within ourselves that have always and will always be there. You can’t lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value. True personal worth comes from a secure relationship with Heavenly Father. Individual worth is intrinsic; it is internal; it is eternal. We are of infinite worth because we are God’s children. There is nothing we will ever have to accomplish, be or accumulate in order to have infinite worth.
I have come to recognize a better way, praising in a way that helps them recognize their Christ-like attributes. What does this mean?
When praising a child there is a big difference between telling them “You are such a good girl” because they helped you or did what you asked and saying “You are truly becoming such a thoughtful (or responsible) person.”
Now the emphasis is placed on what they are BECOMING within themselves, their Christ-like attributes.
Think of the impact on a child when the praise they receive isn’t “You are so cute, smart, good, etc” but hearing “You are becoming so kind”, “I appreciate so much your willingness to be so helpful” or “I can see you are really becoming a very responsible person”. How would your child react if you said these things to them?
What are some of the characteristics of Christ? What would happen if you started seeing your child as having those attributes? What if you saw yourself as having those attributes?

Yes, My Children Are Outside Swimming!

As I write this my 3 year old and 4 year old are swimming in the backyard. Now that might not be too unusual except that it is November, we live in Utah and it is 43 degrees! My daughter was looking outside and she commented how warm the sun looked and that it was perfect weather for swimming. I’m not an irresponsible mother so don’t call the police and note that the backyard is south facing and they are right next to the house but it is still cold out there, you definitely wouldn’t find me in my bathing suit! I remember watching a video a friend of mine’s son did, he is 17 and he said “Let your kids do the things they want, if it is legal, moral and ethical, let them do the things they want.” I have found that the more I try to control what my kids do the harder they fight against me, I definitely found that out with my 3 oldest. My husband and I have a little code phrase “Get those grapes out of your ears!” It comes from a time when one of our kids put a grape in their ear and my husband demanded that they take it out. I had to laugh and ask “Why? It won’t hurt them.” So now when one of us is being ridiculous and saying no or trying to “make” them do something that really isn’t a big deal we say “Get those grapes out of your ears” and have a good laugh. I used to be soooo controlling, it is so nice to look at the situation and realize that they aren’t going to die, they won’t stay out for long (they are already back in), and they had the time of their life. What a memory for them to tell their kids that grandma let them swim in November and it puts me in a better place to really enforce the “No” when it is necessary. When I think back to most of the times I have said no, there really wasn’t any reason other than it wasn’t convenient for me or I just didn’t want to deal with something (remember the old “Because I said so”?) or because I thought it was a ridiculous idea. So why do you tell your kids no?

Who’s Backyard Are You Playing In?

I never like to see other people suffer. When someone tells me about a problem they are having I feel this need to “make it all better” and solve their problem for them. Sometimes it would tend to bring me down because my thoughts would be on their problem and how they must be feeling and I would put out a lot of energy to come up with the perfect solution for them. I think it must have come from being picked on a lot when I was growing up, I never had people in my life to turn to for help or support. I always wished there were people to help me and take away the pain and loneliness I was feeling. Once I had children, I saw the potential for pain they might encounter in the world and I knew if I didn’t solve their problems for them, they might suffer the same unhappiness I had suffered as a child and of course as a mom I was NOT going to let that happen. So I started doing what I call “playing in someone else’s backyard”. Because I had gone through so many experiences in my life I now felt qualified to basically run my children’s life for them. I told them what they should do or think, how to feel and how to act in every situation.
When someone else is supposed to be in charge of their life but I also attempt to be in charge of their life, now there are 2 people running their life and no one running mine! For me this brought on feelings of stress to come up with a solution and more stress to make them see why they should take my suggestion, it also brought about feelings of anger, frustration and disappointment when they didn’t listen, plus think of the havoc it was causing in my own life when no one was there to run it!
The other day my husband was having a down day because a plan he had been putting together wasn’t turning out the way he expected. Now he was feeling like nothing was going to work out and he didn’t know what to do. Of course my first instinct was to take it on for him, I didn’t want him to hurt or feel pressure. As wives and mothers we tend to think the whole world is on our shoulders and it is up to us to make sure everyone is happy, healthy, comfortable and getting along. This is “playing in their backyard”. Our low times are our teachers, we don’t learn when things are easy, we just take a breather. I had to stop and realize that he was just as capable of handling the stress as I was and it was his low time to learn and I would be robbing him of that opportunity if I jumped in and took it all for him. As much as we don’t want to see the ones we care about hurt I know from personal experience that it really isn’t the loving thing to always take away their pain. How does Heavenly Father handle those time? Does He take away the pain? Sometimes, but let’s look in Mosiah 24: 14-15. Alma’s people were in bondage and the Lord promised to ease their burdens, did he take the burden from them? No, He visited them in their afflictions and “…the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light” The Lord strengthened them so they could bear those burdens with ease.
As wives and mother’s it is one of our key roles to support our children and husbands. As I offer this support it not only eases the stress in my life and allows me to be present to run my own life, but it gives other people the chance to take charge of their life and learn the lessons their low times have to offer.
My challenge to you this week is to be aware of all the times you are “playing in someone else’s backyard”.

Should You Make Homemade Bread?

My answer, only if you want to!

Choice, Freedom or Agency?

Is there a difference?

I’m Perfect, How About You?